Doctors Can Be Funny

From our Medical Director.
He is addressing some parents-to-be.

Finally, congratulations to a few of our colleagues who have been blessed with expanding their families in the past few weeks. Children are a great gift. For you new parents, here's a brief preparatory exercise consisting of several tests that should help with the new little angels:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behindthe couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try towalk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake achild at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you asyou shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat ordamage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag makingsure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from theceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls ofsoggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be anairplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds ofsand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and humwith the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have everheard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Setalarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn itinto an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into anattractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of CocoaPuffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone andput it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it intothe cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of thecar. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not tonotice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask theclerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to thehead office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to thestore. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the lasttime.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they canimprove their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child'stable manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them thatthey should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

I've Never Met Anyone Famous Before...

Yesterday, I started out sitting with Grant's father-in-law. I was supposed to be taking care of him while Kendall "walked." Since I was on call for Saturday, I bargained to get a standby for the evening so that I could be available in the morning. The powers that be did not have to allow this and they usually don't. I knew I wasn't going to get to do the Bike Medic thing and be at the Trail of Lights 5K. I did beg to do this, but was beat out of the competition when the guy in charge offered anyone who would volunteer, Starbucks along with the gig. If they called me to work day or night shift, it wouldn't matter - no TOL for me. So I did a standby at the Toros game. I not a big fan of basketball, but the Toros games are really nice. Very family oriented, activites for the kids, all kinds of diversions during slow times, and if you do like BBall, you are very close to the action. You could be watching the next Michael Jordan. You never know.
Oh, you were wondering about the famous person? Well, we parked our stretcher with all of the equipment on it (everything you need to handle anything from a bandaid to a full code), and sat in our designated chairs. An excited young man approached and said, "I never met anyone famous before! See? Over there? Do you know who that is?" Ahhhh, no. "It's Eva Longoria!!!"
Slow down dude. I don't think seeing her qualifies as meeting her. He was so excited, I had to pretend that I recognized that she was famous. Then I had to do the same thing for at least three more people. So when I got home I looked her up. She sounds like a really nice lady.
I did not meet her. I have seen and even talked to a few famous people and I am sure they are all nice. Did I tell you that I got to sit with Bill in the morning? Grant's father-in-law? I felt like I was the lucky one at the end of the morning. Or maybe the one who was entertained so that his family would feel better about him not being up to go to the graduation. The point is, the famous are often a curious and passing interest. Truly interesting and remarkable people are the ones otherwise known as ordinary.