Doctors Can Be Funny

From our Medical Director.
He is addressing some parents-to-be.

Finally, congratulations to a few of our colleagues who have been blessed with expanding their families in the past few weeks. Children are a great gift. For you new parents, here's a brief preparatory exercise consisting of several tests that should help with the new little angels:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behindthe couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try towalk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake achild at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you asyou shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat ordamage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag makingsure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from theceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls ofsoggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be anairplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds ofsand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m., begin to waltz and humwith the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have everheard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Setalarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn itinto an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into anattractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of CocoaPuffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone andput it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it intothe cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies.Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of thecar. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not tonotice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask theclerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to thehead office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to thestore. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the lasttime.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they canimprove their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child'stable manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them thatthey should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.It will be the last time you will have all the answers.